Friday, October 3, 2008
Friday, May 9, 2008
"Hippo in the Garden" by James Ryle
The complete title of this book is "Hippo in the Garden: A non religious approach to having a conversation with God."
Scripture reveals 3 significant facts
1) God Does Speak
2) God Speaks In Many Ways
3) God Speaks, Though Man May Not Perceive it.
The real test is learning to listen!! God is looking for those who will be attentive AND obedient. How much grief do we experience simply because we do not listen to what He says. In your next conversation, notice how much of it consists of your actually listening to what the other person has to say. Watch people as they are absorbed in their own conversation. It should not surprise you to find that most people would rather hear themselves than consider what another has to say. To entertain some people all you have to do is LISTEN!
God gave us 2 ears and one mouth so He must have intended us to do 2 times as much listening. HMMM As an experiment, just stop for a moment and just listen. Try to identify the sounds around you. Go for a walk and count how many times you hear a bird chirping. Practice listening. Listen to the sound of the wind. Go to a shopping center, listen to the noise caused by all the voices, try to distinguish the songs played in each of the stores. Can you hear the hum of the heat or the air conditioner. Now do all this while have a meaningful conversation with a friend.
Sensitive listening increases what we are hearing all about us. Selective listening draws our attention to what we consider to be most important. A mother after putting her child to sleep goes to sleep herself, most noises throughout the night don't wake her. As soon as the baby makes a peep she springs to action. Hearing the voice of God should be the same way. The value we put on hearing Him causes us to focus on His speaking, which cultivates our sensitivity for hearing Him when He does speak.
The book says there are 3 other prerequisites
1) A pure heart - we must has the Lord to cleanse our hearts. A wounded heart can distort God's words just like a defective radio receiver distorts a good signal. The signal from the station is perfectly clear, but the message being heard in the living room is garbled and irritating.
2) A hearing ear - a hearing ear is given to each of us when we are born again. The capacity to hear the Lord is present but the ability to do so must be developed. Have you ever seen a classroom full of students waiting for a teacher to speak, pens and paper in hand and eager. This what it means to "listen like one being taught." If we will show this same attentiveness to the Lord, He will awaken us every morning to more revelation of Himself! Wisdom speaks to those who will listen. To develop "a hearing ear" we MUST regard the word of the Lord as a vital feature of our daily lives. Frankly, it must be a matter of life and death!
3) A responsive life - Obedience is a critical factor in hearing the voice of God. Look at the word obedience. Right in the middle of it is "die" and in the middle of that is "i". We have to die to ourselves that we may live in the Lord.
Scripture reveals 3 significant facts
1) God Does Speak
2) God Speaks In Many Ways
3) God Speaks, Though Man May Not Perceive it.
The real test is learning to listen!! God is looking for those who will be attentive AND obedient. How much grief do we experience simply because we do not listen to what He says. In your next conversation, notice how much of it consists of your actually listening to what the other person has to say. Watch people as they are absorbed in their own conversation. It should not surprise you to find that most people would rather hear themselves than consider what another has to say. To entertain some people all you have to do is LISTEN!
God gave us 2 ears and one mouth so He must have intended us to do 2 times as much listening. HMMM As an experiment, just stop for a moment and just listen. Try to identify the sounds around you. Go for a walk and count how many times you hear a bird chirping. Practice listening. Listen to the sound of the wind. Go to a shopping center, listen to the noise caused by all the voices, try to distinguish the songs played in each of the stores. Can you hear the hum of the heat or the air conditioner. Now do all this while have a meaningful conversation with a friend.
Sensitive listening increases what we are hearing all about us. Selective listening draws our attention to what we consider to be most important. A mother after putting her child to sleep goes to sleep herself, most noises throughout the night don't wake her. As soon as the baby makes a peep she springs to action. Hearing the voice of God should be the same way. The value we put on hearing Him causes us to focus on His speaking, which cultivates our sensitivity for hearing Him when He does speak.
The book says there are 3 other prerequisites
1) A pure heart - we must has the Lord to cleanse our hearts. A wounded heart can distort God's words just like a defective radio receiver distorts a good signal. The signal from the station is perfectly clear, but the message being heard in the living room is garbled and irritating.
2) A hearing ear - a hearing ear is given to each of us when we are born again. The capacity to hear the Lord is present but the ability to do so must be developed. Have you ever seen a classroom full of students waiting for a teacher to speak, pens and paper in hand and eager. This what it means to "listen like one being taught." If we will show this same attentiveness to the Lord, He will awaken us every morning to more revelation of Himself! Wisdom speaks to those who will listen. To develop "a hearing ear" we MUST regard the word of the Lord as a vital feature of our daily lives. Frankly, it must be a matter of life and death!
3) A responsive life - Obedience is a critical factor in hearing the voice of God. Look at the word obedience. Right in the middle of it is "die" and in the middle of that is "i". We have to die to ourselves that we may live in the Lord.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
"Catch Him & Keep Him" by Christian Carter
"Catch Him & Keep Him" by Christian Carter is an insightful book. It is written by a man and really takes you on a journey into how man "really" think. What I learned from this book is priceless. So much so that you can even click on the link of the book cover and purchase this book.
So on to what I learned from this book. Oh first let me tell you some of the chapter names:
Inside the Mind of a Man,
Men and Relationships,
The Biggest Mistakes Women Make With Their Emotions,
How Men and Women are different and What To Do About It, and
How To Attract Men.
The first thing I learned from this book (although too late for my last relationship) is that a man will start feeling "unsure" about a relationship, or not like something a woman is doing, but he doesn't say anything. At least, not until he's already made up in his mind that the relationship isn't working, and he wants to leave. AMEN TO THAT CHRISTIAN!!
Men have been practicing their whole lives to hide their "inner world." They have been conditioned to hide or ignore their emotions for most of their lives.
Most men don't have an idea of what a perfect long-term relationship looks like - at least not one that would make sense to a woman. Most men are literally making it up as they go along.
The rarest man of all is a man who has his act together, know what kid of relationship he wants...and is ready and willing to commit to a relationship or marriage now, in the present moment.
There are some important truths to understand men better (these are also true in life too).
Truth #1 Changing your perspective on someone is the best way to help them change their perspective on you.
Truth #2 Nothing will change in your life until you change YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR
Truth #e The ONLY way to actually change your behavior is a real, authentic, and lasting way is to change your Mindset or Perspective. SEEK TO UNDERSTAND, AND YOU'LL BE UNDERSTOOD. You, and only you, are responsible for getting yourself their first so you can be a great partner. (So it is all about me working on me!!)
For the men who what to better understand women Mr. Carter recommends "The Way Of The Superior Man" by David Deida.
So on to what I learned from this book. Oh first let me tell you some of the chapter names:
Inside the Mind of a Man,
Men and Relationships,
The Biggest Mistakes Women Make With Their Emotions,
How Men and Women are different and What To Do About It, and
How To Attract Men.
The first thing I learned from this book (although too late for my last relationship) is that a man will start feeling "unsure" about a relationship, or not like something a woman is doing, but he doesn't say anything. At least, not until he's already made up in his mind that the relationship isn't working, and he wants to leave. AMEN TO THAT CHRISTIAN!!
Men have been practicing their whole lives to hide their "inner world." They have been conditioned to hide or ignore their emotions for most of their lives.
Most men don't have an idea of what a perfect long-term relationship looks like - at least not one that would make sense to a woman. Most men are literally making it up as they go along.
The rarest man of all is a man who has his act together, know what kid of relationship he wants...and is ready and willing to commit to a relationship or marriage now, in the present moment.
There are some important truths to understand men better (these are also true in life too).
Truth #1 Changing your perspective on someone is the best way to help them change their perspective on you.
Truth #2 Nothing will change in your life until you change YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR
Truth #e The ONLY way to actually change your behavior is a real, authentic, and lasting way is to change your Mindset or Perspective. SEEK TO UNDERSTAND, AND YOU'LL BE UNDERSTOOD. You, and only you, are responsible for getting yourself their first so you can be a great partner. (So it is all about me working on me!!)
There are 3 steps to help you better "connect" with the man you are with. Step 2 is the Understanding Stage so ask yourself 1) what is important to them? 2) What do THEY like and dislike? 3) What do they want from me? For steps 1 and 3... get the book!
Seeking others' approval because you have an intense need for them to understand you and make you think and feel "good enough" or OK is a textbook sign of emotional immaturity (and painfully unattractive)
For the men who what to better understand women Mr. Carter recommends "The Way Of The Superior Man" by David Deida.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
"The Shack" by William P. Young
Oh my goodness, I love this book! My Sissy told me about this book because "The Bishop" said it was a good book. So of course if Bishop Joseph said to read it, I read it.
This book is fiction but there is a tremendous amount of wisdom in this book.
First of all the book is about a man whose youngest daughter is abducted while on a camping trip. They find her body in an old abandoned shack. I was like why do I want to read this? This is awful!! But I pressed on and I am so glad I did.
About 4 years later the man gets a note from, Papa, his wife's name for God, telling him it is time for him to return to the shack. He has a hard time believing that God wants to meet with him, but curiosity causes him to go back and the adventure begins.
I am not going to give away the story, go get the book! But I will tell you that in his experience with, Papa, they have one particular conversation that really intrigued me. They were discussing good and evil in relationship to Adam and Eve eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. God asks the question "When something happens to you, how do you determine whether it is good or evil?" Mack, the main character, says, "I guess I would say that something is good when I like it-when it makes me feel good or gives me a sense of security. Conversely, I'd call something evil that causes me pain or costs me something I want." God then asks,"And how confident are you in your ability to discern what indeed is good for you, or what is evil?" Mack then goes into how somethings that seemed good in the beginning turned out to horrible and things that he deemed to be good turn out to be really bad. God then says, how mankind declared their independence from God when eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. We decided we would determine for ourselves what is good and what is evil apart from God. Then talks about now we need to give our right to be independent and to depend on God and believes that He knows what is good for us and what is evil for us.
This spoke volumes to me! I think all the "bad" that has happened to me and I look back and say that was "good" and all the things that seemed "good" and turned out to be "bad." This discussion goes on for like 5 pages and I didn't do it the justice it deserves. Please pick up this book.
This book is fiction but there is a tremendous amount of wisdom in this book.
First of all the book is about a man whose youngest daughter is abducted while on a camping trip. They find her body in an old abandoned shack. I was like why do I want to read this? This is awful!! But I pressed on and I am so glad I did.
About 4 years later the man gets a note from, Papa, his wife's name for God, telling him it is time for him to return to the shack. He has a hard time believing that God wants to meet with him, but curiosity causes him to go back and the adventure begins.
I am not going to give away the story, go get the book! But I will tell you that in his experience with, Papa, they have one particular conversation that really intrigued me. They were discussing good and evil in relationship to Adam and Eve eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. God asks the question "When something happens to you, how do you determine whether it is good or evil?" Mack, the main character, says, "I guess I would say that something is good when I like it-when it makes me feel good or gives me a sense of security. Conversely, I'd call something evil that causes me pain or costs me something I want." God then asks,"And how confident are you in your ability to discern what indeed is good for you, or what is evil?" Mack then goes into how somethings that seemed good in the beginning turned out to horrible and things that he deemed to be good turn out to be really bad. God then says, how mankind declared their independence from God when eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. We decided we would determine for ourselves what is good and what is evil apart from God. Then talks about now we need to give our right to be independent and to depend on God and believes that He knows what is good for us and what is evil for us.
This spoke volumes to me! I think all the "bad" that has happened to me and I look back and say that was "good" and all the things that seemed "good" and turned out to be "bad." This discussion goes on for like 5 pages and I didn't do it the justice it deserves. Please pick up this book.
"How to Reomve Your Salary Cap. Starting a Business Without Leaving Your Day Job - Yet" by David E. Carter
This book basically talks about things you can do to earn more money with out quitting your day job. It discusses that most of us have a "salary cap" meaning a limit on the amount of money we can earn.
Simply put, you have a limitation on how much money you can earn because you are selling your time. To remove the salary cap you need to do one of 4 other things
Sell your ideas
Sell results
Sell the time of the people who work for you.
Sell the ideas or results of your employees.
You need to decide what business is right for you. Here is how:
Choose a business that you can afford to enter
Do something you enjoy
Choose a business that you know something about
Choose something that fills a market need
Chapter 11 is about multiplying your income with out multiplying your time on the job
Chapter 12 is about formulating a plan to remove your salary cap.
There are 7 keys to running a small business. (I really like how it says 7 but there are 10)
Sell. Generate cash flow
Always pay your payroll taxes
Keep good records
Protect your image
Plan from the bottom up
Learn from your mistakes
Keep your word
Get a good accountant
Don't spend money until you know where it is coming from.
The book ends with 40 suggestions of business you can start without quitting your day job and without a whole lot of startup costs.
If you are looking for a jump start to thinking about your own business this book is a good starting place. It is a very easy read and only 109 pages!
Simply put, you have a limitation on how much money you can earn because you are selling your time. To remove the salary cap you need to do one of 4 other things
Sell your ideas
Sell results
Sell the time of the people who work for you.
Sell the ideas or results of your employees.
You need to decide what business is right for you. Here is how:
Choose a business that you can afford to enter
Do something you enjoy
Choose a business that you know something about
Choose something that fills a market need
Chapter 11 is about multiplying your income with out multiplying your time on the job
Chapter 12 is about formulating a plan to remove your salary cap.
There are 7 keys to running a small business. (I really like how it says 7 but there are 10)
Sell. Generate cash flow
Always pay your payroll taxes
Keep good records
Protect your image
Plan from the bottom up
Learn from your mistakes
Keep your word
Get a good accountant
Don't spend money until you know where it is coming from.
The book ends with 40 suggestions of business you can start without quitting your day job and without a whole lot of startup costs.
If you are looking for a jump start to thinking about your own business this book is a good starting place. It is a very easy read and only 109 pages!
Friday, May 2, 2008
"The Richest Man Who Ever Lived" by Steven K. Scott
Let me start by saying this is an absolutely fabulous book!
The book is based on the book of the Bible, Proverbs, written by King Solomon after the death of his father King David. When God appeared to Solomon and asked him what he wanted, Solomon only asked for wisdom and understanding to govern God's people. God told Solomon that because he didn't ask for riches, honor, or long life for himself that He would basically make him the greatest king who ever lived in wisdom, riches, honor... everything.
Chapter 2 was the deepest chapter for me. This chapter is all about diligence. Not diligence as we think we know it but true diligence. King Solomon's diligence is defined as follows:
Diligence is a learnable skill that combines: creative persistence, a smart-working effort rightly planned and rightly performed in a timely, efficient and effective manner to attain a result that is pure and of the highest quality of excellence.
Diligence can be used to turn poor marriages into great marriages; good careers into incredible careers; and a failing business into a successful one.
The rewards of becoming truly diligent are:
Gain sure advantage
Be in control of the situation, rather than have the situation control you
Experience true fulfillment
Attain the respect and admiration of those in authority
Needs will be satisfied
Experience ever-increasing success
Efforts will be profitable
There are consequences of not being diligent:
Always be at an insurmountable disadvantage
Will be ruled
Will crave, but will find little solace
Will lack understanding
Wealth and security will dissipate
Efforts will come to nothing
Then it goes into talking about how to bring diligence into your life and how we all have seeds of laziness. Then it goes into the how to recognize the root causes of laziness.
Next it talks about Solomon's steps to bring diligence into your life which are
Wake up to Reality (STOP PROCRASTINATING!!)
Define Your Visions
Effectively Partner and
Pursue Wisdom; Build Your Life Upon It
MORE LATER...
The book is based on the book of the Bible, Proverbs, written by King Solomon after the death of his father King David. When God appeared to Solomon and asked him what he wanted, Solomon only asked for wisdom and understanding to govern God's people. God told Solomon that because he didn't ask for riches, honor, or long life for himself that He would basically make him the greatest king who ever lived in wisdom, riches, honor... everything.
Chapter 2 was the deepest chapter for me. This chapter is all about diligence. Not diligence as we think we know it but true diligence. King Solomon's diligence is defined as follows:
Diligence is a learnable skill that combines: creative persistence, a smart-working effort rightly planned and rightly performed in a timely, efficient and effective manner to attain a result that is pure and of the highest quality of excellence.
Diligence can be used to turn poor marriages into great marriages; good careers into incredible careers; and a failing business into a successful one.
The rewards of becoming truly diligent are:
Gain sure advantage
Be in control of the situation, rather than have the situation control you
Experience true fulfillment
Attain the respect and admiration of those in authority
Needs will be satisfied
Experience ever-increasing success
Efforts will be profitable
There are consequences of not being diligent:
Always be at an insurmountable disadvantage
Will be ruled
Will crave, but will find little solace
Will lack understanding
Wealth and security will dissipate
Efforts will come to nothing
Then it goes into talking about how to bring diligence into your life and how we all have seeds of laziness. Then it goes into the how to recognize the root causes of laziness.
Next it talks about Solomon's steps to bring diligence into your life which are
Wake up to Reality (STOP PROCRASTINATING!!)
Define Your Visions
Effectively Partner and
Pursue Wisdom; Build Your Life Upon It
MORE LATER...
Saturday, April 26, 2008
"Qualified for a Miracle" by Jim Hockaday
The faith of God comes to us as a gift from God. God deals us faith like a dealer in a card game. The greatness we need to aspire to is not in the level of our faith. We are all at the "more than enough" it is how we use it that makes the difference. At the point of salvation God gave us all the faith we needed it is up to us to reflect that faith.
God has already qualified us for every gift He's ever promised in His Word to His people. There is nothing in God that we need for which we need to qualify. Once we are "in God" we are given all we need. A believer doesn't have to read enough books or hear enough sermons to qualify to be filled with the Holy Spirit.
The mind is where the battle ground is. It is not about getting some faith. IT IS ABOUT GETTING RID OF DOUBT!
What I learned about me is that it is not about my getting more faith. It is about using the faith I have. It is about reflecting that faith back to God.
Honestly, I am not sure how I feel about everything in this book. I know the Bible says that faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God. So maybe what I should glean from that scripture is not that faith comes but doubt leaves by hearing. Hmm ... Thoughts?
God has already qualified us for every gift He's ever promised in His Word to His people. There is nothing in God that we need for which we need to qualify. Once we are "in God" we are given all we need. A believer doesn't have to read enough books or hear enough sermons to qualify to be filled with the Holy Spirit.
The mind is where the battle ground is. It is not about getting some faith. IT IS ABOUT GETTING RID OF DOUBT!
What I learned about me is that it is not about my getting more faith. It is about using the faith I have. It is about reflecting that faith back to God.
Honestly, I am not sure how I feel about everything in this book. I know the Bible says that faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God. So maybe what I should glean from that scripture is not that faith comes but doubt leaves by hearing. Hmm ... Thoughts?
"How To Talk So People Will Listen" by Steve Brown
"How To Talk So People Will Listen" what a great title.
Have you ever thought that no one listens when you talk? Have you ever had some one ask you a question about something you already told them? If yes, this book is for you. It talks about the power of speech, words of authority, road blocks to communication, winning and argument (we all want to do that, right?), and some other great principles.
Speech is a very powerful tool. Imagine your life if you couldn't talk. I realize that there are some people who communicate very well without this gift but imagine your life without it. Words can bless, encourage, motivate and affirm. Wives and husbands especially don't realize how important their words are to the success and failure of their spouse. They can be the difference between someone settling for mediocrity or obtaining greatness. Words can also destroy. Words can hurt far more than sticks and stones. Words define how we see ourselves. If you talk to someone for a few minutes you can tell what they think of themselves. Words can define how people will react to you.
What I learned from this book is
1) Recognize the truth about yourself
2) Facing and doing what we fear robs the fear of its power
3) Talk to yourself about who you are what you feel
4) I am not required to talk to anyone, I can just walk away
5) Hostility eliminates communication, destroys goals, and creates more hostility
6) Hostility is almost always a sign of insecurity, so try to discover the source of hostility, but
7) Sometimes it is necessary to greet hostility with hostility
8) Don't allow people or situations to intimidate you to silence!
Road Blocks to Communication
1) Temporizing the message - not saying exactly what you mean
2) Being insensitive to listeners
- you need to know a person if you want to talk to them.
- The best way to know a person is to listen.
- Don't assume people are like you
- Don't assume people will process words like you do
- There is a direct correlation between how much you value a person and the effectiveness of communication directed to that person
3) Sending mixed signals - Learn to pay attention to something besides the words you use
4) Disregarding Responses - PAY ATTENTION to what the person is saying. REPEAT IT TO THEM
5) Failing to Define Terms - don't assume the person knows your definition of a certain word.
I also learned some valuable "Conversation Rules"
1) Generally people are more interested in themselves than they are in you - talk more about them.
2) The parameters of a conversation should be set by the nature of the relationship to the one with whom you are speaking. - do you have the right to more than a superficial conversation with the person?
3) Conversations are harder to start than to continue
There are some hindrances to good conversations.
1) How to deal with Anxiety
2) How to deal with Rejection
3) How to deal with "a twit"
4) How to deal accurate criticism
5) Develop some humility-PLEASE
Let's get to the good part, winning an argument. There are four levels of conflict and there are rules for every level. I am going to point these out but you really should buy this book and read them in depth. I gleaned so much from this section. This chapter alone is worth the price of the book.
Level 1: Argument without an enemy
Rule 1) Never characterize the argument made by someone you love - try to be as accurate as possible.
Rule 2) Keep short accounts. Always clean up the mess promptly lest one argument lead to another
Rule 3) Keep "weapons of destruction" in the closet- these are the things that have nothing to do with the argument at hand
Rule 4) Apologize quickly
Rule 5) Affirm easily
Rule 6) Compromise often
Rule 7) Stick to the issues - as long as the argument is objective it can be solved
Rule 8) Look for points of agreement and concentrate on them as you try to settle the issue
Level 2: Argument When You Don't Want an Enemy - sometimes you want an enemy stay that way so use the first set of rules with a little more harshness.
Level 3: Argument with an Enemy
Level 4: Argument with an Angry/Vindictive Enemy
Rule 1) Don't argue
As with any battle, winning an argument has weapons. The necessary weapons to win an argument are knowledge, clarity, practice, control, challenge, universalizing, humility, humor, recapitulation and the last weapon is dismissal.
This book has 10 chapters and I really only lightly touched on 4 of them. It is a very easy read of only 169 pages.
What I learned about myself from this book was HUGE!! I have been told I can be rude, offensive, and judgmental. I was really hurt by these remarks so I started to be really conscientious about how I talk to people and began to read books such as this one so that I can learn to not be offensive to other people. I am really a warm and kind person, or so I thought so I was shocked to hear these kinds of things said about me. And it was from more than one person so I knew I had some work to do. But I have never been one to back away from a challenge, especially when my opponent is myself. I beat me every time. Ha ha ha.
So I think the big things I learned are 1) do I have the right to be having this conversation with this person? What is my relationship with them? If it is my sister then yes I can "go there" but it if it someone else then I need to keep the conversation superficial. If they choose to go deeper then I just LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN. However, I will not be intimidated to silence. So in those cases that is where the sensitivity comes into play. I can't assume that words mean the same to someone else that they mean to me. I can't assume they are like me or will process my words like I would.
I also learned to say exactly what I mean, especially to those I don't know. Humor, sarcasm and other ways I may twist my words are not always received well by those who don't know my heart. Words and also be misconstrued by those who supposedly know my heart so being very very clear is essential.
Have you ever thought that no one listens when you talk? Have you ever had some one ask you a question about something you already told them? If yes, this book is for you. It talks about the power of speech, words of authority, road blocks to communication, winning and argument (we all want to do that, right?), and some other great principles.
Speech is a very powerful tool. Imagine your life if you couldn't talk. I realize that there are some people who communicate very well without this gift but imagine your life without it. Words can bless, encourage, motivate and affirm. Wives and husbands especially don't realize how important their words are to the success and failure of their spouse. They can be the difference between someone settling for mediocrity or obtaining greatness. Words can also destroy. Words can hurt far more than sticks and stones. Words define how we see ourselves. If you talk to someone for a few minutes you can tell what they think of themselves. Words can define how people will react to you.
What I learned from this book is
1) Recognize the truth about yourself
2) Facing and doing what we fear robs the fear of its power
3) Talk to yourself about who you are what you feel
4) I am not required to talk to anyone, I can just walk away
5) Hostility eliminates communication, destroys goals, and creates more hostility
6) Hostility is almost always a sign of insecurity, so try to discover the source of hostility, but
7) Sometimes it is necessary to greet hostility with hostility
8) Don't allow people or situations to intimidate you to silence!
Road Blocks to Communication
1) Temporizing the message - not saying exactly what you mean
2) Being insensitive to listeners
- you need to know a person if you want to talk to them.
- The best way to know a person is to listen.
- Don't assume people are like you
- Don't assume people will process words like you do
- There is a direct correlation between how much you value a person and the effectiveness of communication directed to that person
3) Sending mixed signals - Learn to pay attention to something besides the words you use
4) Disregarding Responses - PAY ATTENTION to what the person is saying. REPEAT IT TO THEM
5) Failing to Define Terms - don't assume the person knows your definition of a certain word.
I also learned some valuable "Conversation Rules"
1) Generally people are more interested in themselves than they are in you - talk more about them.
2) The parameters of a conversation should be set by the nature of the relationship to the one with whom you are speaking. - do you have the right to more than a superficial conversation with the person?
3) Conversations are harder to start than to continue
There are some hindrances to good conversations.
1) How to deal with Anxiety
2) How to deal with Rejection
3) How to deal with "a twit"
4) How to deal accurate criticism
5) Develop some humility-PLEASE
Let's get to the good part, winning an argument. There are four levels of conflict and there are rules for every level. I am going to point these out but you really should buy this book and read them in depth. I gleaned so much from this section. This chapter alone is worth the price of the book.
Level 1: Argument without an enemy
Rule 1) Never characterize the argument made by someone you love - try to be as accurate as possible.
Rule 2) Keep short accounts. Always clean up the mess promptly lest one argument lead to another
Rule 3) Keep "weapons of destruction" in the closet- these are the things that have nothing to do with the argument at hand
Rule 4) Apologize quickly
Rule 5) Affirm easily
Rule 6) Compromise often
Rule 7) Stick to the issues - as long as the argument is objective it can be solved
Rule 8) Look for points of agreement and concentrate on them as you try to settle the issue
Level 2: Argument When You Don't Want an Enemy - sometimes you want an enemy stay that way so use the first set of rules with a little more harshness.
Level 3: Argument with an Enemy
Level 4: Argument with an Angry/Vindictive Enemy
Rule 1) Don't argue
As with any battle, winning an argument has weapons. The necessary weapons to win an argument are knowledge, clarity, practice, control, challenge, universalizing, humility, humor, recapitulation and the last weapon is dismissal.
This book has 10 chapters and I really only lightly touched on 4 of them. It is a very easy read of only 169 pages.
What I learned about myself from this book was HUGE!! I have been told I can be rude, offensive, and judgmental. I was really hurt by these remarks so I started to be really conscientious about how I talk to people and began to read books such as this one so that I can learn to not be offensive to other people. I am really a warm and kind person, or so I thought so I was shocked to hear these kinds of things said about me. And it was from more than one person so I knew I had some work to do. But I have never been one to back away from a challenge, especially when my opponent is myself. I beat me every time. Ha ha ha.
So I think the big things I learned are 1) do I have the right to be having this conversation with this person? What is my relationship with them? If it is my sister then yes I can "go there" but it if it someone else then I need to keep the conversation superficial. If they choose to go deeper then I just LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN. However, I will not be intimidated to silence. So in those cases that is where the sensitivity comes into play. I can't assume that words mean the same to someone else that they mean to me. I can't assume they are like me or will process my words like I would.
I also learned to say exactly what I mean, especially to those I don't know. Humor, sarcasm and other ways I may twist my words are not always received well by those who don't know my heart. Words and also be misconstrued by those who supposedly know my heart so being very very clear is essential.
"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman
The first book I read was titled "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.
In this book I learned that there are five ways people give and receive love. The five love languages are the following:
1)Words of Affirmation
2)Quality Time
3)Receiving Gifts
4)Acts of Service
5)Physical Touch
I learned about the "love tank" which is an emotional tank that measures how much you feel loved and how much love you have to give. Think of it like the gas tank of your car. When the tank is full, the car functions properly. When it is empty the car does not run. Your car can only go so long on the last fill up. You have to fill it up regularly. It is important for your love tank to be full and for you to fill the "love tank" of others. You fill a love tank by loving people in THEIR love language. People have a tendency to love others with their own love language not the language of the other person. This risks the other person's love tank getting empty. You can not effectively fill someones love tank without using their PRIMARY love language.
Your primary love language is the one of the five that no matter how much some does the other 4 if they don't do the primary love language your tank doesn't get filled. Example: My primary love language is Physical Touch so no matter how many gifts you give me if you don't hug me I won't feel completely loved and my love tank won't be filled. You can also look at it in the reverse, if you just hug me you can save yourself a lot of money. Now, you really shouldn't ignore the other 4 love languages. We all need all of them at some level but find out a person's PRIMARY love language and you will fill their love tank faster and more effectively and they will have more love to give you.
Love does not erase the past but it will make the future different. Love is a choice. Real love is not a feeling. It is a choice. It is a decision. Just like you decided to graduate high school, get a degree, buy a luxury car, or whatever; you make a decision to love someone.
Another powerful thing I learned from this book is that when the love tank is empty differences are magnified. This is how things like the way toilet paper rolls or the way he/she chews or laughs becomes a big deal when 5 years ago it was so cute. Your love tank got empty and that other stuff got magnified. When the differences are magnified you view the other person as a threat to your happiness and then you feel the need to separate from them to be happy.
Have you ever broke up with some one or they broke up with you and said "we are just too different?" You were thinking to yourself, "what? I am the same person I have been. I haven't changed? You haven't changed? Why are we so different now? I have! Well what happened is the love tank got empty so the difference got magnified. The differences got bigger than the things that were alike and sadly bigger than the love.
What I learned about myself is that my primary love language is physical touch. That makes perfect sense to me because my mother is very "touchy." Since we don't live in the same city now she will often call me and say, "when are you coming home? I haven't touched you in a long time." Also, I joined my church because the greeters hugged me at the door. So like I said earlier no matter how many gifts you buy me or things you do for me like cooking or errands, if you don't hug or kiss me my tank isn't getting filled.
I also learned that I need to pay attention to how other people try to love me because they are probably communicating their primary love language. Remember I said earlier people love you in their love language, not yours. So the fact that my grandmother won't let me leave her with out giving me something lets me know that her love language is receiving gifts. That doesn't make her superficial that's just her love language. So to fill her love tank I need to bring her something whether I buy it or make it, I am making her feel loved.
Also, I need to communicate my primary love language to people BEFORE I let my love tank get empty. Because once mine is empty I may drain the other person's. Example, my ex would come in the house, walk past me at the door to start cooking the dinner he promised me. What did he do? He didn't hug me. So now I am not feeling loved. So I start fussing that he is late. His primary love language is affirmative words. So now I am draining his. He is thinking,"I am cooking dinner for you why are you tripping?" But I really didn't need dinner I really needed a hug. Now I am feeling empty and he is too. So now we eat dinner in silence and he goes home wounded.
In this book I learned that there are five ways people give and receive love. The five love languages are the following:
1)Words of Affirmation
2)Quality Time
3)Receiving Gifts
4)Acts of Service
5)Physical Touch
I learned about the "love tank" which is an emotional tank that measures how much you feel loved and how much love you have to give. Think of it like the gas tank of your car. When the tank is full, the car functions properly. When it is empty the car does not run. Your car can only go so long on the last fill up. You have to fill it up regularly. It is important for your love tank to be full and for you to fill the "love tank" of others. You fill a love tank by loving people in THEIR love language. People have a tendency to love others with their own love language not the language of the other person. This risks the other person's love tank getting empty. You can not effectively fill someones love tank without using their PRIMARY love language.
Your primary love language is the one of the five that no matter how much some does the other 4 if they don't do the primary love language your tank doesn't get filled. Example: My primary love language is Physical Touch so no matter how many gifts you give me if you don't hug me I won't feel completely loved and my love tank won't be filled. You can also look at it in the reverse, if you just hug me you can save yourself a lot of money. Now, you really shouldn't ignore the other 4 love languages. We all need all of them at some level but find out a person's PRIMARY love language and you will fill their love tank faster and more effectively and they will have more love to give you.
Love does not erase the past but it will make the future different. Love is a choice. Real love is not a feeling. It is a choice. It is a decision. Just like you decided to graduate high school, get a degree, buy a luxury car, or whatever; you make a decision to love someone.
Another powerful thing I learned from this book is that when the love tank is empty differences are magnified. This is how things like the way toilet paper rolls or the way he/she chews or laughs becomes a big deal when 5 years ago it was so cute. Your love tank got empty and that other stuff got magnified. When the differences are magnified you view the other person as a threat to your happiness and then you feel the need to separate from them to be happy.
Have you ever broke up with some one or they broke up with you and said "we are just too different?" You were thinking to yourself, "what? I am the same person I have been. I haven't changed? You haven't changed? Why are we so different now? I have! Well what happened is the love tank got empty so the difference got magnified. The differences got bigger than the things that were alike and sadly bigger than the love.
What I learned about myself is that my primary love language is physical touch. That makes perfect sense to me because my mother is very "touchy." Since we don't live in the same city now she will often call me and say, "when are you coming home? I haven't touched you in a long time." Also, I joined my church because the greeters hugged me at the door. So like I said earlier no matter how many gifts you buy me or things you do for me like cooking or errands, if you don't hug or kiss me my tank isn't getting filled.
I also learned that I need to pay attention to how other people try to love me because they are probably communicating their primary love language. Remember I said earlier people love you in their love language, not yours. So the fact that my grandmother won't let me leave her with out giving me something lets me know that her love language is receiving gifts. That doesn't make her superficial that's just her love language. So to fill her love tank I need to bring her something whether I buy it or make it, I am making her feel loved.
Also, I need to communicate my primary love language to people BEFORE I let my love tank get empty. Because once mine is empty I may drain the other person's. Example, my ex would come in the house, walk past me at the door to start cooking the dinner he promised me. What did he do? He didn't hug me. So now I am not feeling loved. So I start fussing that he is late. His primary love language is affirmative words. So now I am draining his. He is thinking,"I am cooking dinner for you why are you tripping?" But I really didn't need dinner I really needed a hug. Now I am feeling empty and he is too. So now we eat dinner in silence and he goes home wounded.
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