"How To Talk So People Will Listen" by Steve Brown

"How To Talk So People Will Listen" what a great title.
Have you ever thought that no one listens when you talk? Have you ever had some one ask you a question about something you already told them? If yes, this book is for you. It talks about the power of speech, words of authority, road blocks to communication, winning and argument (we all want to do that, right?), and some other great principles.

Speech is a very powerful tool. Imagine your life if you couldn't talk. I realize that there are some people who communicate very well without this gift but imagine your life without it. Words can bless, encourage, motivate and affirm. Wives and husbands especially don't realize how important their words are to the success and failure of their spouse. They can be the difference between someone settling for mediocrity or obtaining greatness. Words can also destroy. Words can hurt far more than sticks and stones. Words define how we see ourselves. If you talk to someone for a few minutes you can tell what they think of themselves. Words can define how people will react to you.

What I learned from this book is
1) Recognize the truth about yourself
2) Facing and doing what we fear robs the fear of its power
3) Talk to yourself about who you are what you feel
4) I am not required to talk to anyone, I can just walk away
5) Hostility eliminates communication, destroys goals, and creates more hostility
6) Hostility is almost always a sign of insecurity, so try to discover the source of hostility, but
7) Sometimes it is necessary to greet hostility with hostility
8) Don't allow people or situations to intimidate you to silence!

Road Blocks to Communication
1) Temporizing the message - not saying exactly what you mean
2) Being insensitive to listeners
- you need to know a person if you want to talk to them.
- The best way to know a person is to listen.
- Don't assume people are like you
- Don't assume people will process words like you do
- There is a direct correlation between how much you value a person and the effectiveness of communication directed to that person
3) Sending mixed signals - Learn to pay attention to something besides the words you use
4) Disregarding Responses - PAY ATTENTION to what the person is saying. REPEAT IT TO THEM
5) Failing to Define Terms - don't assume the person knows your definition of a certain word.

I also learned some valuable "Conversation Rules"
1) Generally people are more interested in themselves than they are in you - talk more about them.
2) The parameters of a conversation should be set by the nature of the relationship to the one with whom you are speaking. - do you have the right to more than a superficial conversation with the person?
3) Conversations are harder to start than to continue

There are some hindrances to good conversations.
1) How to deal with Anxiety
2) How to deal with Rejection
3) How to deal with "a twit"
4) How to deal accurate criticism
5) Develop some humility-PLEASE

Let's get to the good part, winning an argument. There are four levels of conflict and there are rules for every level. I am going to point these out but you really should buy this book and read them in depth. I gleaned so much from this section. This chapter alone is worth the price of the book.

Level 1: Argument without an enemy
Rule 1) Never characterize the argument made by someone you love - try to be as accurate as possible.
Rule 2) Keep short accounts. Always clean up the mess promptly lest one argument lead to another
Rule 3) Keep "weapons of destruction" in the closet- these are the things that have nothing to do with the argument at hand
Rule 4) Apologize quickly
Rule 5) Affirm easily
Rule 6) Compromise often
Rule 7) Stick to the issues - as long as the argument is objective it can be solved
Rule 8) Look for points of agreement and concentrate on them as you try to settle the issue

Level 2: Argument When You Don't Want an Enemy - sometimes you want an enemy stay that way so use the first set of rules with a little more harshness.

Level 3: Argument with an Enemy

Level 4: Argument with an Angry/Vindictive Enemy
Rule 1) Don't argue

As with any battle, winning an argument has weapons. The necessary weapons to win an argument are knowledge, clarity, practice, control, challenge, universalizing, humility, humor, recapitulation and the last weapon is dismissal.

This book has 10 chapters and I really only lightly touched on 4 of them. It is a very easy read of only 169 pages.

What I learned about myself from this book was HUGE!! I have been told I can be rude, offensive, and judgmental. I was really hurt by these remarks so I started to be really conscientious about how I talk to people and began to read books such as this one so that I can learn to not be offensive to other people. I am really a warm and kind person, or so I thought so I was shocked to hear these kinds of things said about me. And it was from more than one person so I knew I had some work to do. But I have never been one to back away from a challenge, especially when my opponent is myself. I beat me every time. Ha ha ha.

So I think the big things I learned are 1) do I have the right to be having this conversation with this person? What is my relationship with them? If it is my sister then yes I can "go there" but it if it someone else then I need to keep the conversation superficial. If they choose to go deeper then I just LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN. However, I will not be intimidated to silence. So in those cases that is where the sensitivity comes into play. I can't assume that words mean the same to someone else that they mean to me. I can't assume they are like me or will process my words like I would.

I also learned to say exactly what I mean, especially to those I don't know. Humor, sarcasm and other ways I may twist my words are not always received well by those who don't know my heart. Words and also be misconstrued by those who supposedly know my heart so being very very clear is essential.