The faith of God comes to us as a gift from God. God deals us faith like a dealer in a card game. The greatness we need to aspire to is not in the level of our faith. We are all at the "more than enough" it is how we use it that makes the difference. At the point of salvation God gave us all the faith we needed it is up to us to reflect that faith.
God has already qualified us for every gift He's ever promised in His Word to His people. There is nothing in God that we need for which we need to qualify. Once we are "in God" we are given all we need. A believer doesn't have to read enough books or hear enough sermons to qualify to be filled with the Holy Spirit.
The mind is where the battle ground is. It is not about getting some faith. IT IS ABOUT GETTING RID OF DOUBT!
What I learned about me is that it is not about my getting more faith. It is about using the faith I have. It is about reflecting that faith back to God.
Honestly, I am not sure how I feel about everything in this book. I know the Bible says that faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God. So maybe what I should glean from that scripture is not that faith comes but doubt leaves by hearing. Hmm ... Thoughts?
Saturday, April 26, 2008
"How To Talk So People Will Listen" by Steve Brown
"How To Talk So People Will Listen" what a great title.
Have you ever thought that no one listens when you talk? Have you ever had some one ask you a question about something you already told them? If yes, this book is for you. It talks about the power of speech, words of authority, road blocks to communication, winning and argument (we all want to do that, right?), and some other great principles.
Speech is a very powerful tool. Imagine your life if you couldn't talk. I realize that there are some people who communicate very well without this gift but imagine your life without it. Words can bless, encourage, motivate and affirm. Wives and husbands especially don't realize how important their words are to the success and failure of their spouse. They can be the difference between someone settling for mediocrity or obtaining greatness. Words can also destroy. Words can hurt far more than sticks and stones. Words define how we see ourselves. If you talk to someone for a few minutes you can tell what they think of themselves. Words can define how people will react to you.
What I learned from this book is
1) Recognize the truth about yourself
2) Facing and doing what we fear robs the fear of its power
3) Talk to yourself about who you are what you feel
4) I am not required to talk to anyone, I can just walk away
5) Hostility eliminates communication, destroys goals, and creates more hostility
6) Hostility is almost always a sign of insecurity, so try to discover the source of hostility, but
7) Sometimes it is necessary to greet hostility with hostility
8) Don't allow people or situations to intimidate you to silence!
Road Blocks to Communication
1) Temporizing the message - not saying exactly what you mean
2) Being insensitive to listeners
- you need to know a person if you want to talk to them.
- The best way to know a person is to listen.
- Don't assume people are like you
- Don't assume people will process words like you do
- There is a direct correlation between how much you value a person and the effectiveness of communication directed to that person
3) Sending mixed signals - Learn to pay attention to something besides the words you use
4) Disregarding Responses - PAY ATTENTION to what the person is saying. REPEAT IT TO THEM
5) Failing to Define Terms - don't assume the person knows your definition of a certain word.
I also learned some valuable "Conversation Rules"
1) Generally people are more interested in themselves than they are in you - talk more about them.
2) The parameters of a conversation should be set by the nature of the relationship to the one with whom you are speaking. - do you have the right to more than a superficial conversation with the person?
3) Conversations are harder to start than to continue
There are some hindrances to good conversations.
1) How to deal with Anxiety
2) How to deal with Rejection
3) How to deal with "a twit"
4) How to deal accurate criticism
5) Develop some humility-PLEASE
Let's get to the good part, winning an argument. There are four levels of conflict and there are rules for every level. I am going to point these out but you really should buy this book and read them in depth. I gleaned so much from this section. This chapter alone is worth the price of the book.
Level 1: Argument without an enemy
Rule 1) Never characterize the argument made by someone you love - try to be as accurate as possible.
Rule 2) Keep short accounts. Always clean up the mess promptly lest one argument lead to another
Rule 3) Keep "weapons of destruction" in the closet- these are the things that have nothing to do with the argument at hand
Rule 4) Apologize quickly
Rule 5) Affirm easily
Rule 6) Compromise often
Rule 7) Stick to the issues - as long as the argument is objective it can be solved
Rule 8) Look for points of agreement and concentrate on them as you try to settle the issue
Level 2: Argument When You Don't Want an Enemy - sometimes you want an enemy stay that way so use the first set of rules with a little more harshness.
Level 3: Argument with an Enemy
Level 4: Argument with an Angry/Vindictive Enemy
Rule 1) Don't argue
As with any battle, winning an argument has weapons. The necessary weapons to win an argument are knowledge, clarity, practice, control, challenge, universalizing, humility, humor, recapitulation and the last weapon is dismissal.
This book has 10 chapters and I really only lightly touched on 4 of them. It is a very easy read of only 169 pages.
What I learned about myself from this book was HUGE!! I have been told I can be rude, offensive, and judgmental. I was really hurt by these remarks so I started to be really conscientious about how I talk to people and began to read books such as this one so that I can learn to not be offensive to other people. I am really a warm and kind person, or so I thought so I was shocked to hear these kinds of things said about me. And it was from more than one person so I knew I had some work to do. But I have never been one to back away from a challenge, especially when my opponent is myself. I beat me every time. Ha ha ha.
So I think the big things I learned are 1) do I have the right to be having this conversation with this person? What is my relationship with them? If it is my sister then yes I can "go there" but it if it someone else then I need to keep the conversation superficial. If they choose to go deeper then I just LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN. However, I will not be intimidated to silence. So in those cases that is where the sensitivity comes into play. I can't assume that words mean the same to someone else that they mean to me. I can't assume they are like me or will process my words like I would.
I also learned to say exactly what I mean, especially to those I don't know. Humor, sarcasm and other ways I may twist my words are not always received well by those who don't know my heart. Words and also be misconstrued by those who supposedly know my heart so being very very clear is essential.
Have you ever thought that no one listens when you talk? Have you ever had some one ask you a question about something you already told them? If yes, this book is for you. It talks about the power of speech, words of authority, road blocks to communication, winning and argument (we all want to do that, right?), and some other great principles.
Speech is a very powerful tool. Imagine your life if you couldn't talk. I realize that there are some people who communicate very well without this gift but imagine your life without it. Words can bless, encourage, motivate and affirm. Wives and husbands especially don't realize how important their words are to the success and failure of their spouse. They can be the difference between someone settling for mediocrity or obtaining greatness. Words can also destroy. Words can hurt far more than sticks and stones. Words define how we see ourselves. If you talk to someone for a few minutes you can tell what they think of themselves. Words can define how people will react to you.
What I learned from this book is
1) Recognize the truth about yourself
2) Facing and doing what we fear robs the fear of its power
3) Talk to yourself about who you are what you feel
4) I am not required to talk to anyone, I can just walk away
5) Hostility eliminates communication, destroys goals, and creates more hostility
6) Hostility is almost always a sign of insecurity, so try to discover the source of hostility, but
7) Sometimes it is necessary to greet hostility with hostility
8) Don't allow people or situations to intimidate you to silence!
Road Blocks to Communication
1) Temporizing the message - not saying exactly what you mean
2) Being insensitive to listeners
- you need to know a person if you want to talk to them.
- The best way to know a person is to listen.
- Don't assume people are like you
- Don't assume people will process words like you do
- There is a direct correlation between how much you value a person and the effectiveness of communication directed to that person
3) Sending mixed signals - Learn to pay attention to something besides the words you use
4) Disregarding Responses - PAY ATTENTION to what the person is saying. REPEAT IT TO THEM
5) Failing to Define Terms - don't assume the person knows your definition of a certain word.
I also learned some valuable "Conversation Rules"
1) Generally people are more interested in themselves than they are in you - talk more about them.
2) The parameters of a conversation should be set by the nature of the relationship to the one with whom you are speaking. - do you have the right to more than a superficial conversation with the person?
3) Conversations are harder to start than to continue
There are some hindrances to good conversations.
1) How to deal with Anxiety
2) How to deal with Rejection
3) How to deal with "a twit"
4) How to deal accurate criticism
5) Develop some humility-PLEASE
Let's get to the good part, winning an argument. There are four levels of conflict and there are rules for every level. I am going to point these out but you really should buy this book and read them in depth. I gleaned so much from this section. This chapter alone is worth the price of the book.
Level 1: Argument without an enemy
Rule 1) Never characterize the argument made by someone you love - try to be as accurate as possible.
Rule 2) Keep short accounts. Always clean up the mess promptly lest one argument lead to another
Rule 3) Keep "weapons of destruction" in the closet- these are the things that have nothing to do with the argument at hand
Rule 4) Apologize quickly
Rule 5) Affirm easily
Rule 6) Compromise often
Rule 7) Stick to the issues - as long as the argument is objective it can be solved
Rule 8) Look for points of agreement and concentrate on them as you try to settle the issue
Level 2: Argument When You Don't Want an Enemy - sometimes you want an enemy stay that way so use the first set of rules with a little more harshness.
Level 3: Argument with an Enemy
Level 4: Argument with an Angry/Vindictive Enemy
Rule 1) Don't argue
As with any battle, winning an argument has weapons. The necessary weapons to win an argument are knowledge, clarity, practice, control, challenge, universalizing, humility, humor, recapitulation and the last weapon is dismissal.
This book has 10 chapters and I really only lightly touched on 4 of them. It is a very easy read of only 169 pages.
What I learned about myself from this book was HUGE!! I have been told I can be rude, offensive, and judgmental. I was really hurt by these remarks so I started to be really conscientious about how I talk to people and began to read books such as this one so that I can learn to not be offensive to other people. I am really a warm and kind person, or so I thought so I was shocked to hear these kinds of things said about me. And it was from more than one person so I knew I had some work to do. But I have never been one to back away from a challenge, especially when my opponent is myself. I beat me every time. Ha ha ha.
So I think the big things I learned are 1) do I have the right to be having this conversation with this person? What is my relationship with them? If it is my sister then yes I can "go there" but it if it someone else then I need to keep the conversation superficial. If they choose to go deeper then I just LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN. However, I will not be intimidated to silence. So in those cases that is where the sensitivity comes into play. I can't assume that words mean the same to someone else that they mean to me. I can't assume they are like me or will process my words like I would.
I also learned to say exactly what I mean, especially to those I don't know. Humor, sarcasm and other ways I may twist my words are not always received well by those who don't know my heart. Words and also be misconstrued by those who supposedly know my heart so being very very clear is essential.
"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman
The first book I read was titled "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.
In this book I learned that there are five ways people give and receive love. The five love languages are the following:
1)Words of Affirmation
2)Quality Time
3)Receiving Gifts
4)Acts of Service
5)Physical Touch
I learned about the "love tank" which is an emotional tank that measures how much you feel loved and how much love you have to give. Think of it like the gas tank of your car. When the tank is full, the car functions properly. When it is empty the car does not run. Your car can only go so long on the last fill up. You have to fill it up regularly. It is important for your love tank to be full and for you to fill the "love tank" of others. You fill a love tank by loving people in THEIR love language. People have a tendency to love others with their own love language not the language of the other person. This risks the other person's love tank getting empty. You can not effectively fill someones love tank without using their PRIMARY love language.
Your primary love language is the one of the five that no matter how much some does the other 4 if they don't do the primary love language your tank doesn't get filled. Example: My primary love language is Physical Touch so no matter how many gifts you give me if you don't hug me I won't feel completely loved and my love tank won't be filled. You can also look at it in the reverse, if you just hug me you can save yourself a lot of money. Now, you really shouldn't ignore the other 4 love languages. We all need all of them at some level but find out a person's PRIMARY love language and you will fill their love tank faster and more effectively and they will have more love to give you.
Love does not erase the past but it will make the future different. Love is a choice. Real love is not a feeling. It is a choice. It is a decision. Just like you decided to graduate high school, get a degree, buy a luxury car, or whatever; you make a decision to love someone.
Another powerful thing I learned from this book is that when the love tank is empty differences are magnified. This is how things like the way toilet paper rolls or the way he/she chews or laughs becomes a big deal when 5 years ago it was so cute. Your love tank got empty and that other stuff got magnified. When the differences are magnified you view the other person as a threat to your happiness and then you feel the need to separate from them to be happy.
Have you ever broke up with some one or they broke up with you and said "we are just too different?" You were thinking to yourself, "what? I am the same person I have been. I haven't changed? You haven't changed? Why are we so different now? I have! Well what happened is the love tank got empty so the difference got magnified. The differences got bigger than the things that were alike and sadly bigger than the love.
What I learned about myself is that my primary love language is physical touch. That makes perfect sense to me because my mother is very "touchy." Since we don't live in the same city now she will often call me and say, "when are you coming home? I haven't touched you in a long time." Also, I joined my church because the greeters hugged me at the door. So like I said earlier no matter how many gifts you buy me or things you do for me like cooking or errands, if you don't hug or kiss me my tank isn't getting filled.
I also learned that I need to pay attention to how other people try to love me because they are probably communicating their primary love language. Remember I said earlier people love you in their love language, not yours. So the fact that my grandmother won't let me leave her with out giving me something lets me know that her love language is receiving gifts. That doesn't make her superficial that's just her love language. So to fill her love tank I need to bring her something whether I buy it or make it, I am making her feel loved.
Also, I need to communicate my primary love language to people BEFORE I let my love tank get empty. Because once mine is empty I may drain the other person's. Example, my ex would come in the house, walk past me at the door to start cooking the dinner he promised me. What did he do? He didn't hug me. So now I am not feeling loved. So I start fussing that he is late. His primary love language is affirmative words. So now I am draining his. He is thinking,"I am cooking dinner for you why are you tripping?" But I really didn't need dinner I really needed a hug. Now I am feeling empty and he is too. So now we eat dinner in silence and he goes home wounded.
In this book I learned that there are five ways people give and receive love. The five love languages are the following:
1)Words of Affirmation
2)Quality Time
3)Receiving Gifts
4)Acts of Service
5)Physical Touch
I learned about the "love tank" which is an emotional tank that measures how much you feel loved and how much love you have to give. Think of it like the gas tank of your car. When the tank is full, the car functions properly. When it is empty the car does not run. Your car can only go so long on the last fill up. You have to fill it up regularly. It is important for your love tank to be full and for you to fill the "love tank" of others. You fill a love tank by loving people in THEIR love language. People have a tendency to love others with their own love language not the language of the other person. This risks the other person's love tank getting empty. You can not effectively fill someones love tank without using their PRIMARY love language.
Your primary love language is the one of the five that no matter how much some does the other 4 if they don't do the primary love language your tank doesn't get filled. Example: My primary love language is Physical Touch so no matter how many gifts you give me if you don't hug me I won't feel completely loved and my love tank won't be filled. You can also look at it in the reverse, if you just hug me you can save yourself a lot of money. Now, you really shouldn't ignore the other 4 love languages. We all need all of them at some level but find out a person's PRIMARY love language and you will fill their love tank faster and more effectively and they will have more love to give you.
Love does not erase the past but it will make the future different. Love is a choice. Real love is not a feeling. It is a choice. It is a decision. Just like you decided to graduate high school, get a degree, buy a luxury car, or whatever; you make a decision to love someone.
Another powerful thing I learned from this book is that when the love tank is empty differences are magnified. This is how things like the way toilet paper rolls or the way he/she chews or laughs becomes a big deal when 5 years ago it was so cute. Your love tank got empty and that other stuff got magnified. When the differences are magnified you view the other person as a threat to your happiness and then you feel the need to separate from them to be happy.
Have you ever broke up with some one or they broke up with you and said "we are just too different?" You were thinking to yourself, "what? I am the same person I have been. I haven't changed? You haven't changed? Why are we so different now? I have! Well what happened is the love tank got empty so the difference got magnified. The differences got bigger than the things that were alike and sadly bigger than the love.
What I learned about myself is that my primary love language is physical touch. That makes perfect sense to me because my mother is very "touchy." Since we don't live in the same city now she will often call me and say, "when are you coming home? I haven't touched you in a long time." Also, I joined my church because the greeters hugged me at the door. So like I said earlier no matter how many gifts you buy me or things you do for me like cooking or errands, if you don't hug or kiss me my tank isn't getting filled.
I also learned that I need to pay attention to how other people try to love me because they are probably communicating their primary love language. Remember I said earlier people love you in their love language, not yours. So the fact that my grandmother won't let me leave her with out giving me something lets me know that her love language is receiving gifts. That doesn't make her superficial that's just her love language. So to fill her love tank I need to bring her something whether I buy it or make it, I am making her feel loved.
Also, I need to communicate my primary love language to people BEFORE I let my love tank get empty. Because once mine is empty I may drain the other person's. Example, my ex would come in the house, walk past me at the door to start cooking the dinner he promised me. What did he do? He didn't hug me. So now I am not feeling loved. So I start fussing that he is late. His primary love language is affirmative words. So now I am draining his. He is thinking,"I am cooking dinner for you why are you tripping?" But I really didn't need dinner I really needed a hug. Now I am feeling empty and he is too. So now we eat dinner in silence and he goes home wounded.
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